It hit me this week. I’m so damn tired. And it’s not just the physical tired, it’s the mental fatigue. I know I’m almost there. I can see the finish line but I still have a bit to go.
My treatment has included sixteen rounds of chemo. It started with chemo once every three weeks while I was pregnant. When I resumed after I had Bryce it was twelve weekly treatments. I have three of these twelve weekly treatments left. I am so close.
I will be having a bilateral mastectomy the end of June. I’m very nervous about this and really don’t want to have to go through the surgery but I need to. It will mark the end of this first set of battles against the cancer.
At some point I likely will also need my ovaries out, but we have some time before that. I also will be continuing with immunotherapy every three weeks until March. But the immunotherapy is easy: minimal to no side effects and this time no chemo with it.
I’m also tired of all the things to sort out: the many medical appointments, my medical leave and insurance and on top of that keep track of all the activities for our five kids. The stress, the concern about the baby throughout the pregnancy, the constant worry. The emotional drain of all of this. It’s a lot. It’s exhausting.
I feel like I’m in the last mile of a 5k. You know you’re almost done and almost finished the race but you also know this last mile is going to be hard and you know it’s going to hurt. You know you can finish and push through but it’s going to suck for the final stretch.
It’s the part of the race where you’re exhausted, legs are burning and you really just want to be done. You know as you push yourself to the finish line you’ll get nauseous and feel like you’re going to puke but you keep it together.
It’s hard both physically and mentally at this point of the race. And I’d say it’s harder mentally. It’s easier to cruise in and not reach a level of discomfort than it is to push yourself to your limits and feel like crap. It’s easier to stay in the place and pace you’re at than try to pick it up and have a final kick.
That’s where I’m at. That close to the end but not end of the race. I know I’m almost done. It’s harder mentally especially with the anxiety about the mastectomy than it is physically right now. I know the surgery will come with a lot of pain and scars. But I will finish. And I won’t give up and just cruise in, I’ll give it my all to kick this cancer’s ass.
I’m exhausted and so ready to be done but I wouldn’t stop a race with a mile left. And I won’t stop this race or battle until I’ve beaten this terrible disease.