I’ve been trying to stay positive as much as I can. I’ll admit it’s getting hard as I prepare for surgery which I don’t want to have but need.
I’ve also been trying to take things one step at a time. I focused on the chemo and getting through that which I did. But now that that’s over, I have 3 weeks to think about the upcoming surgery because that’s how I operate…worry about what’s ahead.
That’s the mental toll. Along with the worry of what I’ll miss out with my kids this summer, how long it will take me to be able to work out like I do, how difficult the recovery will be.
There’s more. Mentally I worry what they may find during surgery. Will I need radiation as well? Is the cancer contained? What if it’s not?
A cold recently worked it’s way through our house. I was hit this weekend and it kicked my ass. This is just a cold, why do I feel so awful? Damn weakened immune system.
Then I started to panic. Will I end up in ER again? Will I feel better? I can’t get anything done, all I want to do is sleep. Thankfully rest did help and I did feel better after feeling nauseous with a headache while I had the 3 youngest kids by myself Saturday while the boys had their last baseball game. But I got through.
Then the guilt came. I need to get everything straightened up and in order before my surgery and I spent half the weekend in bed. I wasted a nice weather weekend to get out and do things with the family. But it’s ok, I needed the rest and took the time for myself.
There was also the physical toll. With the second round of chemo came more muscle aches and pain. After going for walks both mornings this weekend I was in so much pain. I did the same thing I usually do. The aches just hit and I felt like I lifted the heaviest weights I’ve ever done. But as the day went on I felt better and Tylenol and a heating pack helped.
The mental toll is also keeping track of everything and with five young kids it’s a lot. We have a new sitter starting this week as well. My husband rarely goes on site and I didn’t realize how early he was leaving today and what time we had help coming so he left a little late so I could get to my immunotherapy which was earlier than usual. I also have doctor appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.
Then there’s the end of the school year. I appreciate that the school district is taking additional safety measures after the Uvalde shooting but Friday they announced Tuesday’s half day would be remote due to Election Day and visitors entering the building. Thankfully my dad is able to come help Shane with remote school while I’m at a doctors apt, Chris works and our sitter deals with the youngest three. Since Chase spent almost all of first grade remote we don’t have to worry about him.
And then there’s the weird end of the school year schedule to keep track of. Random half days, Shane’s kindergarten graduation ceremony, one day of school the week of June 20th. Why end on a Monday??
Then there’s summer camps. It would be good to put the boys in some camps but there’s also the cost and sorting out the logistics. I’ve been so tired and busy dealing with all this, the boys are only signed up for one camp and I’m left debating to find other camps or just let them spend time at home.
There’s the concern of returning to work. How will I manage? How tired will I be? Will it be harder than I think because I won’t be around the kids and Bryce as much? How limited will I be?
All these physical and mental thoughts just rotate through and add to the exhaustion of the 16 completed rounds of chemo. It’s been a lot and the anxiety about the upcoming surgery is adding to all the stress. I will continue to try to stay as positive as I can and focus on the goal of remission. That’s what I need to think about when I think of the surgery, this is the step I need towards remission.
It’s not easy, but I’ve already gotten through so much. I can do this. It’s just hard at times. It’s a struggle sometimes. But I can get through, just like I’ve gotten through everything else at this point.
#dealingwithcancer #chemoeffects #momoffive #onetoughmother