I feel like I’m finally on the mend from Covid as my temps are back to normal. But what remains from the Covid is the exhaustion. I am so tired,
even more tired than I was during chemo. I really have no energy to do anything other than lie in bed. I’m
hoping in a day or two this will pass and I’ll be back to normal, whatever normal is for me at this point!
The tired from Covid is physical but there’s also so much mental fatigue that just adds to the exhaustion. I’m tired of being so tired. I’m tired of all the doctor appointments. I’m tired of all the stress and worry that I know will never fully go away.
I worry about getting sick. I worry that the cancer could come back. I worry if my daughters will also have a genetic mutation or BRCA gene that puts them at a greater risk for developing breast or ovarian cancer.
I’m tired of needing so much help. I’m tired of having to take it easy. I’m tired of having to go over my “story”. Yes I was pregnant when I found out I had cancer. Yes it was scary and stressful but thankfully our baby was fine.
I’m tired of not having as much energy as I usually do. I’m tired of feeling so out of shape and overweight. I’m tired of being sick.
I’m tired of not being able to do what I want and not being as active as usual. I hate not being able to do as much as usual with the kids. I hate that there hasn’t been a break in the stress, in the treatment, in the process since November.
The Covid outbreak in our house is just another bump in the road in an already difficult journey. It’s been exhausting and stressful but we are on the mend and almost out of our quarantine and will soon feel better.
I am not writing this to look for the sympathy violin to be played and I’m
not writing out of anger. I’m writing to release the stress, the pent up feelings. I also believe it helps others to better understand what I’m going through.
I felt so helpless the first weekend after my mastectomy because I could hardly do anything myself which left Chris to do everything. I was mad and frustrated not just because of the lack of help but because it’s been a lot. I sort of reached a breaking point even though the mastectomy was finally done.
And just as I was starting to feel pretty good after the mastectomy, Covid hits. But I keep reminding myself we have gotten through a lot and can get through this.
We’ve been through a lot of shit: a pregnancy where I learned I had cancer and started chemotherapy, a total of 16 rounds of chemo, a mastectomy, an ER stay in April due to neutropenic fever and now Covid. So this is just one more test for us.
I can feel frustrated and tired and jealous because this has been hard and it’s been a lot. I wish I didn’t have to go through all this. But I will be patient and take it easy so I can heal as quickly as possible and return to my normal ways. There’s the cliche, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I’ve been through a lot and all this has made me one tough mother.
#breastcancer #masctectomy #cancerwhilepregnant #covid #onetoughmother