This cancer journey has had many ups and downs. Many different emotions surface and often follow this up and down pattern. I was filled with many down emotions following my infection and surgery Friday. I figured I would write to vent some of the frustration of the recovery from not only this surgery but the mastectomy.
The human body is amazing and can often heal itself. But it’s the internal wounds and pain that people don’t see that often don’t heal as quickly.
The hard part of all this has been how things just crop up and with five kids that can be inconvenient as hell. But we have dealt as best as we can with them.
There’s been all the doctor appointments. There’s been the recovery from several surgeries. There’s the unexpected hospital stay when I had a neutropenic fever. The unexpected surgery Friday due to an infection. It’s all been inconvenient, it’s all been annoying and has sucked.
I am so grateful Chris has just rolled with things. He’s always busy with his job but has done his best to make it work to help with me and the kids.
I feel terrible, like getting the fever and ending up in the hospital was my fault. That the incision infection was my fault. That the extra help I need to ask for is my fault. The guilt is there and eats me up sometimes.
And it’s lonely. I feel like I’m a burden. This disease and all the treatment that has come with it gets in the way of what I or our family wants to do. And sometimes we have to had sacrifice what we want to do to help care for me.
Chris and I have not gone by ourselves to a Phillies game in years and were in the city Thursday for an apt at UPenn right before a day game but we knew it was best with the infection I have to not sit in the sun for a few hours. We made the right decision to not go to the game even though we were greatly disappointed.
My mom was so selfless that maybe that’s why when people aren’t as selfless as she was it bothers me so much. I’ve learned my mom was unusual because she was so caring. She was truly one of a kind.
There’s been so much I’ve had to sacrifice and change this year because of my cancer and treatment. So maybe it’s just jealousy that not everyone has had it as hard as me and I’m sorry that bothers me. It’s just a check in or a text or message, a meal dropped off, an offer to help means the world to me. Because not everyone is as caring and selfless as my mom, seeing someone care does mean a lot.
The guilt I feel that I need this much help is hard. I feel selfish because I want people to care and still check in after my surgeries like they did when I started chemo. It may all sound stupid but it’s very real and adds to the stress of battling this disease and infection.
I like to keep things honest and real and share what I’m going through. And so I decided to share about this guilt after my second surgery in less than two months. I’ll be ok, I just needed to vent. I’ve been through a lot this year and will get through this because I’m one tough mother.
#breastcancerbattle #mastectomy #infections #chemo #chemotherapy #momoffive #onetoughmother