One of many things I’ve learned on this cancer journey is to focus on what really matters. What really matters is my health and my family and they need to be my priority and focus.
I’ve worried frequently about work. I will be returning soon but worry about the changes made since I’ve been out. I’m worried if I’ll still be liked. What if my replacement is doing better than me? How will I be able to go back after all I’ve been through?
But what matters is returning to work will be clearing another big hurdle in my return to “normal.” What matters is that I’m able to be back. The changes, my replacement, the stress that awaits, they don’t matter. The fact that I’m back and cancer free matter. It will be an adjustment but with time I’ll be caught up and back in the groove, probably at a much slower pace than when I left, but that’s ok.
What doesn’t matter is all the time I’ve had to take off from work to recover from the hell I’ve been through. At times I feel bad and guilty I’ve been out this long from work but my body has been through so much this year. I had half my chemo, then a baby, then the second half of chemo, then a double mastectomy, then another surgery due to a post-op infection. My body has never really had the chance to recover. So if I’ve been out this long, that’s ok. My health and survival are what matters.
What doesn’t matter is how out of shape I am right now because I can’t do upper body or full body workouts yet as I recover from the post surgery complication. What matters is that I allow myself to heal and get healthy. I’m probably in better shape than I give myself credit for, but it’s not what I’m used to or where I want to be and that’s ok. This year is all about survival and that’s all that matters.
What doesn’t matter is that my weight is still not where I want to be. I have finally be able to lose some weight as the time since I’ve been on steroids from chemo wears off and I’m not laying around quite as much. I’m still not where I want to be but that’s ok. Survival is what matters.
What doesn’t matter is my hair and how it looks. It’s come in good and I’m still playing around with how to style it. But how weird it looks doesn’t matter, what matters is that I’m here and my hair is coming back and filling in well.
What matters is that I am trying my best to manage my five kids including a six month old. Even when you aren’t battling cancer, it’s a lot. They are all doing ok and that’s what matters. There are certainly things that I could work on with some of them but we manage. And that’s all that matters.
This year is all about survival and doing whatever I need to survive: stop working immediately, take extra time off, rest as much as I can. What matters is that I’m here and I am cancer-free. And I will continue to do whatever I need to, to stay this way and that’s all that matters.
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