You can argue with me but October has to be one of if not the best month of the year. Now hear me out.
There’s the weather. There are still warm days but this is the month the crisp fall air really kicks in and the mornings and evenings are cool but comfortable.
There’s Halloween. I love the decorations, treats, movies which I’ll argue you can watch year round. Why should Ghostbusters, Beetlejuice and The Nightmare Before Christmas be limited to just this time of year right? Costumes are fun even though a pain to pick out. I do love when my kids dress up. In the pre-kid and college days, Halloween parties were always the most fun ones of the year.
There’s the sports. Playoff baseball begins (and the Phillies are in!) The NFL and college football are in full swing (and the Eagles are the only undefeated team left in the NFL!!). The NBA and NHL start up at the end of the month. Possibly the best sports month of the year.
There’s the activities. Hayrides, pumpkin picking, corn and hay mazes, lots of festivals and activities.
Pumpkin everything. I love pumpkin spice coffee. There’s pumpkin ales, apple cider and lots of candy. The diet can take a month off right?
But this October (maybe due to the very dreary and rainy start to the month), I find myself not as happy that this best month of the year is here. And I started to put together why.
October was my last “normal” month last year. It was the last month before my entire life was turned upside down and forever changed. I wish I could go back to the time when things weren’t like they became but I can’t. And I realized I need to stop moping about what was and do my best to adjust to my new normal.
The problem I realized is there is some PTSD going on. The cancer diagnosis was so shocking and so life changing and November last year is when this all came about. My life has never been the same. I’m not even back at work yet. Man I wish things were easy like they were last October.
I wish I wasn’t so tired all the time still. The chemo ended but the fatigue still lingers. It’s better but still crops up.
I wish I didn’t have all the scars and pain. I still can’t fully use either arm following a bilateral mastectomy with breast reconstruction. I had a post op infection and another surgery on one breast. I’m dealing with another possible complication in the “good” breast now and I’m just so sick of the limitations. This should all be behind me but it’s not.
I wish I wasn’t a nervous wreck about returning to work where I know many many changes were made in my long absence. I am so afraid of what to expect and how I will transition back and have the energy. I need to start back and get the jitters over with but this latest possible infection is the holdup.
I wish I didn’t worry and fear about my health. I know how important the first five years are following a cancer diagnosis and I hope with all my might I remain cancer free.
I wish I could go back to the carefree October of last year. While it was full of nausea and discomforts from my fifth pregnancy, it was so carefree and easier than October this year.
I know when November comes it will be even more difficult as I recall the trauma of the diagnosis a year ago. But the trauma is already there a month before the “anniversary” of the diagnosis. It’s already been tarnishing my favorite month of the year.
But I’m trying my best to enjoy it. I love seeing the decorations and I know even more will continue to go up. I enjoyed Hocus Pocus 2 and will watch Halloween movies any night sports I don’t want to watch are on. I can’t wait to see the kids dress up for Halloween and am especially excited to see Bryce in costumes.
So there’s a lot to look forward to this month even with all the nerves for my return to work and even with all the PTSD creeping in from my diagnosis a year ago. It can still be the best month of the year, even if it’s very different this year.
#breastcancerbattle #bilateralmastectomy #breastreconstruction #postopcomplications #ptsd #cancerdiagnosis #pregnantwithcancer #onetoughmother #october