One of many faults I have is letting things go. I am not Elsa but sure wish I was sometimes. I let things bother me and overthink them and this often does no good. I need to move on but I don’t and it’s something I’m working on but still have a long ways to go.
There are times I’m happy and excited for my new job and opportunity at work. But I would lie if I said I’m over the loss of my previous job that was only taken away because I was out battling a life threatening illness that required multiple surgeries. I’m upset and mad that someone else on campus got to walk into this opportunity because they were unhappy in their old job and I’m just tough out of luck.
I brought in more money that ever when the pool reopened after the Covid shutdown, had excellent evaluations but I end up with cancer and lose the position. All I did didn’t matter. I’m tough out of luck.
I felt blindsided that this happened. I wasn’t told until a few days prior to my return to work. I felt like I was punched in the gut. I pretended to be ok with it and I know eventually I will be but I’d be lying if I said I’m over it.
I know it will take time. I know ultimately this position will be a better fit for me but it’s still early and I feel lost and awkward. I worry about stupid stuff like that I lose a private office and go back to an open desk with interruptions when I go in person. I lose the interactions with staff and members who used our facilities, which was so welcome after being isolated due to Covid. I lose all the hard work I put into the pool, the fitness center and locker rooms. I lose all the relationships with swim coaches I had built. I lose the confidence I had at work which I finally had established in my third year in charge of the pool and fitness center. I’m back but not in same role and have to say hi coach I’m back in new role because you know the whole cancer thing.
And all this is hard to accept, especially when I did nothing wrong other than get cancer and need a lot of time out (16 rounds of chemo and 4 surgeries.) I also had a baby during the time. What I went through was a lot, a hell of a lot.
I dread seeing the person who took my position which I know I need to get past the jealousy and anger. I need to clean out my stuff from their office but I couldn’t do it when she’s in. How? I’m afraid I’d say oh hi guess it worked out I had cancer so you could take my job.
I know I have a good opportunity, I do. But the transition back is hard. I started doing this work when I was in my admin role and at that time didn’t have my own office so I think I feel like I am being demoted by going back to what I used to do and losing my office and all this nonsense I worry about because I can’t get over things.
I should be so grateful I have a job, one that has such great benefits. I should be grateful I am still in a department I love working for and care so much about. And I know deep down I am.
But I’m stubborn and I get caught in my own head sometimes. I was so positive during my treatment that it’s hard to stay positive for something seemingly easier in going back to work.
But going back to work after cancer is hard. Going back to work when you have to take on a new position is hard. Going back to work after pouring your heart into a previous position that you lost only because you were out battling cancer is hard.
I know I will appreciate what I have and will learn the ins and outs of this new position. I know it’s a good opportunity that is flexible and less physical which is what I need. I believe there will be a lot less stress than what I had but it’s hard. I don’t have to deal with staffing and covering shifts or complaints or pool chemicals or locker rooms.
It feels like a demotion to me but I know it’s not. I know I’m lucky and I know I will pour myself into this position as I get more comfortable with returning to work, but to say after learning I lost my old job that it’s been easy, is a lie. It’s been a struggle of trying to convince myself that this is a good fit, a better one than what I had. I’m sure I will reach that point but right now it’s hard not to feel a little screwed.
But big picture these negative thoughts I struggle with don’t matter. I beat cancer and hope and pray I stay that way. I can continue to get immunotherapy and see the doctors I need because of this job and the great benefits I am lucky to have.
I’m sorry for the negative post, I’m usually positive and able to focus on what really matters. But it’s hard sometimes.
Our experiences make us stronger and tougher. This change will only make me tougher, overcoming yet another challenge, the loss of my old position and the challenge of returning to work following a year out due to cancer.
Things haven’t been easy for me and I know this is one of my last hurdles to clear. I still see the hurdles ahead of me on the track but I got a lot of work to do to finish this race and come out on top.
#breastcancerbattle #returntowork #changesaftercancer #lifesnotfair #stayingpositive #overcomingchallenges #workaftercancer #workanxiety #lettingthingsgo #mentalbarriers #workchallenges #pregnantwithcancer #multiplesurgeries #momoffive #onetoughmother