Believe it or not Just Let It Go is from another Disney movie, Wreck it Ralph. It’s something I need to do in relation to my new job but I have so much trouble doing this. I have to apologize again for sounding mean, resentful and petty in the following post. So much has been building up inside me since I learned of my job change and started back to work, that I need to let some of it out.
I pride myself on working hard and in the work I do. I was sort of thrown into the fitness center and pool position on my return from maternity leave after having Reese. I learned as much as I could, as quickly as I could so I could effectively manage both facilities. I managed to safely reopen both facilities during the pandemic and brought in greater revenue than ever before with the pool. I got my a certified pool operator certification as was required for the position.
The job did have a lot of hassles and stress but I enjoyed what I did. So imagine the gut punch to learn I lost the position I worked so hard for simply because I was out battling a life threatening illness that also required multiple surgeries. Imagine being replaced by someone with no pool experience or required certifications simply because this person asked for a transfer and I happened to be fighting for my life so my position was “open.”
Imagine the awkwardness of returning to work to sort of feel demoted due to no fault of your own. Imagine losing your own private office for some random floating desk out in the open of the athletic office. Imagine trying to explain your new position which you sort of did some work with when you were in a department specialist role for athletics prior to running the pool and fitness center. It feels like a step backwards even though there is a lot to look forward with this new position.
But I struggle mightily with letting things go. I can’t get past the fact that my replacement got my job because they were unhappy with their department. How does that make you qualified for a position? I majored in Exercise Science and had a Masters in Physical Education. I am a certified pool operator. And my replacement is just unhappy where they are so they got my job. How is that fair?
I work out a lot and train a lot when I’m not recovering from multiple surgeries. I am a fitness fanatic and know the field. I was even demonstrating the new ab/back machine I had to get for the fitness center not long before I had Alice even though I should not have been, but I was in charge of the facility and am the one that purchased the machine.
I would pick up equipment and wipe down machines. I would clean locker rooms and showers. I was very hands on and knew my way around both areas since I worked out a lot. I know this is mean and wrong but I need to vent. Imagine being replaced by someone who doesn’t work out or know the equipment. Imagine being replaced by someone who used your pool with their previous job on campus but would never set foot in the pool to supervise their employees who oversaw the pool during a certain time of the year and who never came over to the pool when there were problems with their programs. But when they want a change and it’s convenient for them they suddenly want to be involved with the pool. It’s not fair.
But the reality is life isn’t fair. I’m very lucky I still have a job after being out so long. I’m very lucky to still have a job in a department I love. I’m very lucky my treatment worked and I can say I’m cancer free now. That’s all that really matters.
But it’s hard. It’s hard to go into my not private desk and sit and pretend I’m ok and good with this new position. It’s hard to pretend I’m not incredibly hurt that someone that is not as qualified as I am took my position while I battled cancer. It’s awkward to go in and try to explain my new job and title. It’s hard to see fitness center members I cared about and got to know. I’m finally back but won’t be dealing with you all anymore simply because I had cancer.
It feels like I worked hard for nothing in my role with the pool and fitness center which I know isn’t true. It feels like I’m unappreciated for all that I did for those facilities and have just been given a role because that’s what is required by HR. It’s hard to feel so replaceable. All this due to no fault of my own. I had cancer.
I know with time I’ll get used to my new role and realize the many benefits of a much easier and less stressful position. But just over a week in, it’s hard. And when you internalize everything like I do, it’s that much worse. Some days I’m more positive than others and I know this is a day I’m being negative. I got through a lot tougher things over this past year than this job change. I can get through this and all this resentment and pettiness, it just may take time.
#justletitgo #jobchange #breastcancerbattle #returntowork #multiplesurgeries #medicalleave #pregnantwithcancer #hardtomoveon #mixedemotions #onetoughmother