I’m trying. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to be grateful I have a job in Athletics. I’m trying to focus on the big picture which is most important and is that I got a complete response from my treatment and mastectomy. But I’m stuck. Stuck in a new job I’m not liking. Stuck trying to pretend I should be happy with the new role and opportunity. Stuck pretending I shouldn’t care this much but I do. And it’s hard.
In some ways treatment and surgery were easier to get through in that there were steps to get back to normal. Each chemo got me closer to done. With the mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries, each one is closer to the end of all this. So work should be easy. But it’s not, it’s a way harder adjustment than I expected and I’m struggling.
I take a ton of pride in what I do and work hard. I busted my ass to open our facilities and make a lot of changes during the pandemic when most of the college remained closed. So it hurts that my job was lost because someone else was unhappy in their area on campus and my job was available.
What’s worse is there was no communication to me this was happening. I didn’t learn that I was given a new job until 3 days before I was starting back. I was left stunned, confused and hurt.
Now that I’ve been on the new job a few weeks I’m still trying to adjust. With this new role I feel like the cart was put before the horse. Our website isn’t set up or I’m not to publish directly to it so I churn out articles that currently sit. With athletics, there’s constant news and I’m trying to create constant features but they sit and wait to be published and it’s frustrating.
I feel no value in what I do and no connection to work. Yes working from home especially when returning from cancer should be viewed as a blessing in disguise but it’s lonely. I can work almost entirely on my own and I do and there isn’t much point in me going in person even though I try to at least once a week.
When I go in person though I feel lost. I have the random desk in the middle of the athletic office with no privacy. My new desk is located next to a coworker’s private office which is adorned with photos of her kids. I had that in my old office but now I have no place to put my pics which made me smile so often at work.
I also occupy the drop in desk as I’ll refer to it. It’s where people will randomly sit to fill stuff out because it’s open most of the time and looks like it’s unoccupied. When I came in last week there was a freaking lacrosse helmet and gloves where I put my laptop. I feel so valued.
Is this stupid stuff I’m getting caught up in, absolutely. But it’s hard to overcome the loss of something I poured my heart into and did really well. It’s hard when the loss of your position seems unfair. I’m not entitled to the same position with as much time as I have been out however I am entitled to similar duties. And my new job is completely different from what I did. And while a less physical job initially is good, I also loved the active job I had. Now I sit and write and look stuff up and sit and watch games and sit and write. Yeah, I miss my old job.
I made the mistake last week of peeking in the pool during halftime of the men’s basketball game I went to. I glanced at the swim calendar and it looked pretty similar to what I had worked out before I went out on leave at least for the school and club usage. It looked like what I had worked out after hours of writing out different schedules and many emails and phone calls with coaches. I thought oh look they are still reaping the profits of my work to get all these teams in. And guess what my replacement doesn’t even handle this which was the hardest part of my job! How is that fair!
But maybe it will just take time. Maybe I’ll grow to like the new job. The old job had a lot of stress and hassles but I liked what I did. To be blindsided with the loss literally days before I returned to work with no prior communication this would be happening was rough. To be given what isn’t exactly an equivalent position hasn’t been fun. I’m trying to be happy and patient but it’s hard.
I thought going back to work would be my final step in a “return to normal.” But it’s just a reminder of yet another thing I lost to cancer: my hair, my breasts, and now my old job. I know things could be a lot worse and I’m sorry for all the whining and complaining. It’s just writing is my outlet and apparently my job now too. I’ll get through all this as I have everything else, it’s just very very hard and I’m struggling right now.
#breastcancerbattle #chemo #doublemastectomy #hairloss #jobloss #returntonormal #trasitionback #adjustments #newjob #backtoworkstruggles #onetoughmother