The holiday this year is harder. It shouldn’t be because I have a lot to be thankful for but I finally put together why I’ve been down.
This holiday was my last bit of normalcy last year. I literally had surgery first thing Black Friday morning to put my port in and started chemo 4 days after Thanksgiving.
Since this time a year ago, I’ve had 4 total surgeries, had 16 rounds of chemo and had a baby. I lost my hair which is coming back nicely, lost my breasts but I have foobs which look pretty normal and real and lost my job but at least I still have one that provides me with the benefits I need so I can get the treatment I need.
Still, I lost a lot. And it sucks. And I hate that this time of year marks the “anniversary” of everything changing for me. I thought I was finally returning to normal with the last hurdle being returning to work but I got the shock that no you have a new job three days before I was starting back. So not even that has been normal. So I’m struggling. Struggling to be grateful for all I do have and instead focusing on what I don’t.
I’m here. And I was declared cancer free following my mastectomy and there’s no greater gift or thing I wanted other than this news this year. We have a new family member this year with our healthy baby boy Bryce who is such a happy little guy and truly brightens my day with his huge smile. I have 4 other amazing kids who make me laugh and feel so happy every day. I have a wonderful husband who has been my rock and with my every step of the way during this incredibly difficult journey. I have had the support of friends and family throughout this journey which has helped me so much. I had and have a terrific medical team that worked together to help me have a healthy baby boy and reach a complete response with my cancer. I have a ton to be thankful for.
It’s just hard. It’s hard to not sometimes or frequently get caught up in all that was taken from me and changed due to cancer. It’s hard not to be jealous and mad at those who have things so easy and care free. It’s hard not to feel screwed with the final gut punch or straw being the loss of my position at work. To top it off this was given to someone who complained about conditions in their area and “needed” a transfer. You want to know terrible-all the shit I’ve been through capped off by you taking my job. Yes bitter party of one here but I’m sorry, you fucked me over because you complained about your job. But that’s life, which isn’t fair. Shit happens and I could have it way worse so I need to stop.
It’s just tough to face the normalcy of last year at this time and not feel a little down. It’s hard to see past the negative and realize just how lucky I am and how bad ass I am. My replacement couldn’t handle the area she worked in so she complained and got my job. During this time I kicked cancers ass and had a baby and dealt with more change that you can imagine.
Nothing has ever come easy for me so this is just one more thing to overcome. The holidays were incredibly rough the first year after my mom died and I was able to get through and it gets a little easier each year even though it still hurts without her. And I can do the same with this “anniversary.” I can be reminded of the normalcy I once had and how it was all taken away. But it’s time to start focusing on all I do have to be grateful for which is a lot.
I’m sorry to come across as ungrateful as I could have it a lot worse. I’ll try to start seeing that things are not as bad as they seem right now. Healing takes time. And despite all I lost I gained a lot of appreciation of the amazing people I have got to know through the different paths in my life and I have learned to focus on my family more than ever and just enjoy being with them. I do have a lot to be thankful even when I’m struggling to see that at the time.
#breastcancerbattle #chemo #doublemastectomy #foob #jobloss #changes #thenewnormal #portplacement #surgeries #hairloss #thanksgiving #focusonfamily #alwayssomethingtobethankfulfor #momoffive #onetoughmother