It’s possible to be incredibly grateful but also very mad at the same time. Cancer leads to a lot of mixed emotions. But isn’t that how life is? We experience mixed emotions all the time.
Think of your wedding day. If you were like me you were incredibly excited but also very nervous. With kids, you get very happy and excited to see them grow up but also miss how small and tiny they were.
That’s how the cancer journey has been, full of mixed emotions. I worry I’ve come across as sounding ungrateful and not recognizing how truly lucky I am to get the response I got to my treatment. Please know that is not the case and I am extremely grateful for how healthy I am now and how thankful I am for my medical team which helped me reach where I’m at.
But it’s also ok for me to be angry at all that has happened. I’m not trying to throw a pity party for myself, I’m just keeping things real. I believe in being open and honest especially in sharing about something so complicated as cancer.
So that’s why I’ve let my emotions come out about my job. Therapy has been helping me talk out this anger about the change. I’m better understanding why I really feel so upset and it makes a lot of sense that it’s just one more loss on top of everything else I’ve been through.
I am not ungrateful for the new opportunity which seems to have been created for me but I am grieving the loss of something I worked hard at and was expecting to return to. My replacement is the source of a lot of my anger and let me just say there’s a work history there which isn’t great which adds insult to injury. Would I still be hurt and upset if someone else took the job? Absolutely. But the replacement just adds some more salt to the wound.
I know I will eventually move on. It’s going to take time to get over this just as it takes time to get over any other loss we may experience. I also know this time last year I was just diagnosed and starting chemo and the anniversary of all that is weighing heavy as well.
While I love the holidays I also know Christmas in particular, which was my Mom’s favorite holiday, lost some of its luster for me once she died. I know how much she would have loved getting presents for her grandkids and how much fun we all would have so I miss her the most this time of year and I know that is also weighing on my mind.
Still all this is no excuse to be as ungrateful as I may have sounded. Believe me I understand things could be a lot worse. I am not dismissive of how lucky I am. But it’s still be very hard even with these good results. It’s still been a struggle to see the positives at times.
I’ll get there though. And I may feel a little better once the holidays are over as this time of year has always been tough since mom died. But for now I’m dealing with a lot and sharing the struggle with you, one to help me get it out and cope but to also help you to understand. I’m not ungrateful and I have a lot to be thankful for. And I want to make sure that much is understood even among the anger and frustration.
#breastcancerbattle #lossfromcancer #changes #jobloss #holidays #missingmom #mixedemotions #onetoughmother