Being able to work remote is one of the best things about my new job. I can rest as I get tired which is very helpful as I still go through immunotherapy every three weeks and just adjust to working in general after being out almost a year.
But the remoteness is also weird. I don’t feel the connection I had. I try to go in at least once a week but admittedly grow depressed sitting in my non office at my open desk. I dread if my replacement comes in to the office past my open desk to see my boss and have no interest in seeing her. Is this childish, maybe, but if you’ve been through all I have I think I’m entitled to be mad about losing my job to someone who never wanted to supervise their programs which used the pool every summer. But they became “unhappy” and suddenly are all in on the pool. Really?
The Wi-Fi also sucks in our office so it’s truthfully easier and quicker to get things done from home. But I try at least once a week. I briefly talk to coworkers while I’m in and then go on my merry way because I just feel weird still.
It’s very awkward to explain that yes I’m back but not in my old job. I lost it because said person took it. I was out too long. I was kicking cancer’s ass and this other person was unhappy so here I am with a created position that yes we desperately needed but it’s still awkward.
In the fall of 2020, I risked my own health coming in day after day to oversee the pool when we opened while about 85% of the campus was remote (maybe more) and here’s my reward for battling cancer for a year, half while pregnant. You lose the position. I came in and screened like literally took temperatures of swimmers at a time when there was no vaccine yet. I took advantage of us opening and not just doubled our revenue, but tripled it. And my reward is you lose your job because you took too long to go through chemo, have a double mastectomy and a baby.
It’s hard not to be mad. It’s hard to not want to go in person because it brings up so much resentment, so much anger. And all these feelings are ultimately anger at the terrible disease that took away so much from me. That made things so hard and stressful.
I sound selfish. I could have it much worse. I’m lucky. I got through all this with the best possible news, a complete response. I’m healthy now and other than a few post op complications I’m doing ok. But it still hurts. It still feels unfair. And it is. I need to move on but I’m still stuck in the unfair mode: unfair this person took my job, unfair I lost my job and got a new position, unfair I got cancer and had to deal with all this shit.
But healing takes time. I feel a little better and a little more positive about my new job. There is a lot that can be done especially fingers crossed if we get our own athletics website. So I just need to be patient, chip away at things and slowly accept that I no longer run the pool and fitness center and that’s ok. I still have a job that provides me and my family the benefits we need. I’m still here and I can ease my way back into work after having to take a year off while battling cancer.
Hopefully I can get less upset every time I go to work in person. Hopefully I’ll feel less awkward as time goes on. The job will get better. I’ll get more accepting. And I’ll be stronger because of all this. I can adjust and accept the new role because I am one tough mother and got through a lot worse shit this year.
#breastcancerbattle #jobloss #pregnantwithcancer #acceptingcancer #onetoughmother