Why is something so simple so hard? I’m not very good about facing things I don’t want to do. I chicken out a lot and it’s something I need to work on.
One thing I haven’t dealt with since my return to work is cleaning out my old office. It’s so bad it’s been so long since I’ve been back but I literally haven’t set foot in the fitness center where my office is since I returned.
I do majority of my work from home so I’m rarely in and I’ve also forgotten about it. If I come on campus I do my thing and leave.
The reality is I haven’t moved on from the loss of my old position. It still hurts. It still bothers me. It still sucks. I don’t set foot in the fitness center because I don’t want to be reminded of what I lost.
I am grateful I have a much more flexible job and one that I’m not on call for and dealing with staffing issues.l which were seemingly non-stop.
I’m finally starting to see the value of my new role. I have interviewed some alumni athletes and shared their stories. So many of our former athletes are successful and I love the chance to share their success through articles on our website. I also enjoy getting our current athletes recognized for their achievements. We swept our conference awards this week with men’s lacrosse, baseball and softball players of the week. That was my work putting together all their stats (mostly on Sunday to meet the Monday noon deadline!) together to get their nominations in. Then I get that story up on our website. I’ve found my new niche.
But that doesn’t take away the pain and anger I have mostly at the cancer for all it took away but also at my replacement who wouldn’t set foot in the pool when her summer programs used the pool but is all about the pool when it’s convenient to her to change her job while I was out battling cancer.
The job loss hasn’t hit me in awhile but it did this week. I haven’t been in the office in awhile because my kids and I have been sick and I’ve gotten all my work done from home. But here’s why it resurfaced this week.
The women’s group I’m in on campus had two events this week. We have a table runner that was in my old office along with other things we used for pink night and other events. Since I no longer have an office I don’t even know what to do with that stuff but need someone else in our group to take it. I couldn’t attend the event Wednesday but went to the one we held today. I just couldn’t bring myself to go see my replacement to ask for the table runner. Stupid yes but it’s too much for me still.
I lost so much to cancer and the job loss was the final straw I’m just not over yet. It’s taking awhile to get past. I’ve been working on it in therapy and it’s better than it was but I’m still stuck.
I know I’ll get there and past this but damn it takes a long time to move on from some things. I’ll eventually get there, I’m just not there yet. Cancer is a process that doesn’t just end when your treatment is over. It takes a long time to recover especially mentally.
So that meant no table runner for our event today or Wednesday and no stepping foot in the old office yet. Because it’s a process and I’m just not ready yet.
#breastcancerbattle #lossesfromcancer #jobchange #movingonfromcancer #recoveryfromcancer