How do I pretend I’m not terrified I’m dying. How do I go through the motions around the kids when things are not ok?
The past few days have been a struggle as I prepare to face the reality that the lesion was likely a recurrence of my cancer and the prognosis is not good. I’ve cried and cried and cried. I can’t stop thinking of my kids and Chris who I love more than anything in the world.
I’m afraid to stay close because I’ll be gone way too soon. I afraid to sit together, eat together and play together because how much longer will I get to do this with these angels I love so so much.
Last night after eating I sat down and saw the beautiful rainbow in the window. I will probably still get bad news but this rainbow was such a needed sign of some hope, no matter how small when I needed it.
The kids were so excited to see the rainbow. Alice ran outside in the rain in her pjs to see. Chase got Reese to come look and see. And we all stared and smiled at the beautiful sight in the sky.
After the rainbow Chase and I played a game. I laid and watched episodes of Scooby Doo with the girls. I tried to carry on as normal despite the fear that is paralyzing me, the fear of the ticking clock of time I have left with these wonderful kids of mine.
It wasn’t much but it’s what I need to keep trying to do. Keep it as “normal” as possible despite being crippled by the fear of dying and bad news.
This is so hard, so unfair and I’m praying for a miracle and something not as devastating as I’m expecting to hear.