As we prepare for the holiday that celebrates freedom, I realized the mental struggle I still have with the freedom or lack of freedom I have since my brain surgery.
It’s all about perspective and I need to focus on the positive but it’s hard at times to not get caught up in the negatives.
One of the hardest things is the inability to drive…for awhile. There was a three month period after the surgery where I wouldn’t be allowed to drive. Since I had a seizure that wait period is now doubled and from the date of the seizure, not the surgery date.
I completely understand this waiting period but not being able to hop in my car and go where I want is hard. Not being able to take the kids to do things myself is hard. But it’s temporary and in the grand scheme of things, this loss of freedom is not that big a deal. I’m here and able to do things with my kids and that is all that matters.
I have to rely on help. I couldn’t do a lot initially. As I continue to improve and get stronger that has changed, but I couldn’t pick much up including Bryce until recently. I had to walk with someone and shower with someone in the bathroom. Now I walk by myself and without a cane. I rarely use the cane anymore, just occasionally when we go somewhere with an uneven surface we will be on for awhile. I can shower by myself and might soon try showering without the shower chair (very daring I know)!
I worry constantly about a recurrence. I will have lots of scans and appointments so even if one does occur we can get it early but the fear doesn’t go away. The brain tumor shook me like nothing I ever experienced. The seizure further scared me and I worry about my health more than ever.
But I am here. I am gaining more independence and freedom each week and getting close to “back to normal.” I can go places and my dad has been awesome taking the kids to camps and activities since I can’t. Chris has also been a huge help especially with the kids when I was so limited.
This Wednesday will mark 10 weeks since my craniotomy and to consider where I was then to now, is pretty remarkable. So instead of focusing on my loss of freedom or independence I need to focus on that progress and how much I have improved. And focus on what I do have.
While I may not be able to drive or go to the beach (is there a harder surface to walk on than sand?!), there is still a lot I can do even with the limitations I have. And most importantly I am here. I can do a lot with my kids and family and that is all that matters.
The progress I have made is worth celebrating. It’s time to focus on the independence I have gained since my brain surgery and not the loss of freedom.
#brainsurgery #crainotomy #cancer #freedom #independence #seizure #focusonthepositive